don't suri, be happy.

for about the last five years or so, I have figured that if blake and I ever had a baby girl, she would probably look a bit like suri cruise. a swath or dark hair, pink lips, chubby cheeks and clear blue eyes; the makings of a baby girl. It's crazy but so powerful to think that in this baby, I recognized some connection to my own conceived baby girl.

I guess this is why i self-indulge and scan through photos of suri whenever I see them in the gossip rags. and on the internet. oops. What always strikes my first is not how beautiful she is, but how lonely she looks. If suri is rosie's celebrity baby look-alike, then a hope the difference is that rosie is always smiling and surrounded by people who love her.

so, does little rosebud look anything like baby suri did? well, the resemblance isn't uncanny, but of all the celebrity babies i have seen, little suri was closest. what do you think?

my girl at two months

rosebud was two months old yesterday!

oh, my baby girl, you are divine. your eyes melt holes in my soul. your little lips are like the eight natural wonder of the world. when you put one of your little hands on my shoulder or my chest or my hand it just kills me, and best of all is your emerging character, little smiles and a determined spirit that bring me and your daddy and just about everybody who knows you such immense delight. i love you rosie, never leave me!

rosie is as observant as she ever was and i see a fierce determination in her. she hates to be held like a baby, ie. in the cradle position... she is no baby any more. Although she still doesn't fuss or cry a lot, as she learns to do new things she has more conviction in what she wants and is never afraid to let us now. now, she wants to be in a sitting position or even standing! she has strong little legs and can stand up all on her own, as long as we balance her. she is beautiful, with pale skin and clear, inquisitive blue eyes and i hope that she is always as curious, beautiful and determined as she is now.

p.s. she had her first shots today and, although a little fussier than usual, she took them like a champ! she has also all but doubled her birthweight. we could not be more proud.

bad blogger

aww man, I have become such a bad blogger! I really want this blog to flourish for multiple reasons, but most importantly a a time capsule for myself, and maybe one day for rosie. i think it would be wonderful for her to be able to read about herself through my eyes one day. I also want people to actually read it! because I am vain and i think my life is somewhat interesting and i think some people might agree. So here it is, my resolution to do better, Just please, bear with me and my poor punctuation and my reluctance to capitalize, ever. most of my entries will probably be done as I am nursing so these things have a tenancy to kind of fall by the wayside.

I think one of the most things to remember is that even if i don't have a lot of time, one little picture and a few sentences can suffice! so here goes:
Blake and i are taking Rosie to the country today and I couldn't be happier. I love the city, especially during the summer, but it can be overwhelming and (literally) toxic. If we have to raise rosie in the city, gosh darnit, i'll be damned if i don't make sure that she has one foot firmly planted in the country, as well. this is really sort of hinting at a post that I'm planning for another time now, so I'll leave it at that.

on father's day last weekend, we took rosebud to the montreal folk festival sur le canal which is hosted by one of our dear friends matt large and his wife rebecca. it was wonderful and blake performed a few songs while rosie and i sat with one of my best friends, nastassia, in the dog poop, oops i mean grass(ew). Fortunately even that experience couldn't spoil my day. Here is a family photo she took of us!

I wish you could see my outfit better! I was going for a jackie o sort of look and i think i looked kind of glamourous... minus the cheesy white sunglasses i got in vancouver when i was sixteen!

the best parts of breastfeeding.

just before she latches, rosebud open her eyes wide and makes a perfect o with her mouth and makes a little noise like 'uh! uh! uh!' and it's so adorable. also, her first ever smiles were ones only for me that she would give me just after nursing and that one hand kneading my breast as she nurses when she is especially hungry or excited just kills me. she also likes to use my breast as a pillow and if she does it at nap time, nothing gets done because how am i supposed to move? I can rarely bring myself to do it.

independence

two nights ago i was laying in bed with my rosebud, trying to get her to go to sleep and then suddenly, I just got up and walked away. she wasn't asleep yet, but I had to pee and wanted to to talk to the boys (Blake and our roommate Joey), so I did. After a few minutes, i still hadn't heard a peep from our little seedling, so I didn't check on her quite yet. A few more minutes passed and still the only sound that came from the bedroom was silence. Finally, after about 15 minutes I went in to see if what i had supposed was in fact correct. It was: she was asleep! I was so proud of her! Just a day old and she had already fallen asleep all by herself.

Tonight, I tried it again. i was getting ready to lie down with her to nurse her to sleep but when I put her down she didn't fuss or grunt, she just looked around with sleepy, peaceful eyes and blinked slowly, so I walked away. Ten minutes later she was stirring, but only the way she normally stirs in the beginning of sleep stages. Another ten minutes and she was out for good. Go Rosie!

I don't expect every night to be this easy, but knowing that she can make that transition from calm drowsiness into dreamland on her own gives me surges of pride and gives me the feeling that we must be doing SOMETHING right. It also reminds me that already, at only one month old, she is an independent being, a human in her own right, and although she needs my nourishment and my comforting touch she is in this world to conquer it on her own.

The pride I feel is strong and unmistakable, but the bittersweet knowledge that one day she won't really need me at all is palpable, too. I love you, rosie.

1 month!

Rosie is one month old today! she smiles, but not too often, she saves her smiles for special times. she is very serious and inquisitive, she loves looking around at anything and everything and she always seems to be deep in thought. she doesn't cry too much, but seems to save it all up for the evening time just before bed. You can soothe her by nursing her frequently for short periods of time, talking to her and walker her around the neighbourhood or the apartment. Sometimes when those things don't work, it's best to just let her cry for a couple of minutes to get it all out! Once she's said her piece she feels better and calms down easily. She only wakes up once or twice a night and rarely ever cries, she usually just makes loud sucking noises, smacks her lips and grunts until mommy wakes up. our little piglet! she hates baths and loves to go for walks in the sling or stroller but her favourite seems to be car rides... she's our little tour baby! when you put her down she squirms all over the place but she hasn't quite figured out how to roll over (she's close though, i can feel it!) so far, she can only roll from her side to her belly, and let's face it, that's the easy one! we love her so so much... obviously! Happy one month birthday, little Rosebud! What we call her rosebud rosie the bud the grub little worm little piglet hungry hungry hippo little seedling turtle

anne geddes ftw

awesome possum

Today was a pretty great day, all in all. I even had the chance to make some pretty good macaroni and cheese (from scratch) for dinner and catch up on my Mad Men (whilst breastfeeding.) The last two weeks have been a challenge but the most wonderfully rewarding one. every day i see my baby (that i made!) growing and changing and it just takes my breath away and makes my heart feel like it's glowing inside my chest. In order to tide you all over and let you know that yes, rosie and I are still going strong, here is a video of her being deliciously cute. Please just forgive my ridiculous baby voice.

the good times are killing me

Breastfeeding is wonderful but absolutely excruciating. Tommorrow I will be calling La Leche League and hopefully getting myself an appointment with a Lactation Consultant, pronto! Otherwise, Rosie is just an absolute angel and me and her father are in love (along with just about anybody else who has met her.) I wish I could post more pictures, but the battery in our camera is dead and I can't find the charger!

Rosebud Elizabeth Pearl: A Novel

At just over 41 weeks I was starting to get concerned about being induced. At my 41 week appointment on Wednesday, April 25th, I allowed me obgyn to strip my membranes, but he still scheduled an induction for the following Tuesday, just in case. When I called and told my mom, she was pretty disappointed. She was schedules to arrive the next morning and was leaving on Wednesday- if I were to be induced it would mean she would have less than a day to spend with her first grandchild.

My day was fairly uneventful, I felt a bit of cramping after having my membranes stripped but I didn’t really feel like anything was happening. I had bought a bottle of castor oil the day before so I took a little bit… not even a full dose though. Despite not feeling much, I did decide I should make sure the guest bedroom was ready for my mom, just in case.

That night DH and I went to bed and watched some TV. I could feel my BH contractions were becoming more intense and painful and I knew it was the real deal. When our last episode ended I told him that it was no big deal, but that I was having contractions and that he should be ready. At this point they were already pretty painful but I was doing a pretty good job of meditating through them.

DH fell asleep right away and I couldn’t handle squirming around in bed next to him anymore. I ran myself a bath and while it was soothing, I was pretty uncomfortable in our tiny bathtub, so after about an hour I moved into the guest bedroom, where I calmly comforted myself through contractions in the dark. I’m pretty proud of these moments because of how well I felt that I dealt with labour on my own for the very first time. I texted my mom at about 3am to let her know she might have to meet us at the hospital.

At about 4am I tried to wake DH to go to the hospital but he was still out like a light. I made him a pot of coffee anyway and continued to work through my contractions on my own. At this point my contractions were probably about a minute long and coming every 5 minutes or so. At 6am I finally woke DH and told him he should be ready to go when my mom arrived and I texted her to let her know she could meet us at home but that she too should be ready to go right away. I think DH was shocked to watch me work through a few contractions and finally realized I was in labour and this baby was coming! My water broke at 7am, about 10 minutes before my mom arrived.

We left right away for the hospital but had to turn back when I realized I forgot my file… oops! My contractions slowed down a bit on the way to the hospital but since my water had broken they became much more intense. When we were halfway to the hospital I emphatically stated that if I was 3cm dilated or less, I wanted an epidural IMMEDIATELY! Who gives a crap about natural birth, anyway?

Fortunately we were admitted into a labour room right away and I was disappointed to be put down on a bed and attached to external fetal monitors right away, especially since the elastic they used to attach the monitor seemed to only make my contractions more intense. I was introduced to my nurse, Mary-Maude a soft yet authoritative Haitian women whom I hated and loved. She was so so good at putting me in my place, which was pretty much exactly what I needed. She told me to stop moaning as I was wasting my breath, I needed to just breathe and concentrate through my contractions and I would be able to get through them more easily. They checked my cervix and I was dilated to 2. I hated myself for it, but I think I must have been having some back labour because although I was feeling pain and pressure in my abdomen, the radial burning pain I had in my lower back was what really left me screeching for relief. After maybe an hour of labour at the hospital, I asked for the anesthesiologist. I talked to her about my options a bit and decided I still didn’t want the epidural, but I did want to try the IV of some unspecified painkiller, which she said would take the edge off my labour pain. My husband was supportive but told me he was a little surprised that I was opting for painkillers after I had so adamantly insisted over the last 8 months that I wanted to have a drug-free childbirth experience. I pretty much told him he could stuff it and to let me know how it went if HE ever made it through a drug free labour. I was pretty annoyed with everybody at this point and was having more success working through my contractions alone anyway, so my DH left to go get a few things from home that we had forgotten when we left that morning. After all, I was only a 2 and would probably be laboring until at least later that evening. At some point right around this time, Mary-Maude came in and got tough with me; she told me that I still had a long way to go and that I couldn’t have a shot and decide to go for the epidural later. She also suggested that my labour was going to get more intense, so I’d be better off waiting until my pain was really unmanageable before resorting to drugs for pain relief. I told her that I thought that labour already was unmanageable because of the intensity of my back pain, but she told me that she could see I was strong and she was confident that I could make it through this stage of labour be concentrating on my breathing. Even though I still wanted relief from the pain, I relented and she told the anesthesiologist to come back in a few hours.

After DH left and the anesthesiologist was sent packing, things quieted down quite a bit and my mom fell asleep. I was working through my contractions as they became more and more painful but surprisingly was able to sleep between contractions. I think this was the only way I could manage the pain on my own, and my meditation through this stage of labour was to imagine myself in a small dark room alone. I got up to pee and had a contraction on the toilet which was a nice change from the ones I had been having on the bed (I had imagined myself feeling comfort by walking through contractions but that was actually the worst for me, I also hated being on my hands and knees. Fetal position or on my back were the best for me.) What surprised me most about my contraction on the toilet, though, was that my body all of a sudden started to push. Since I had only been at the hospital at this point for about three or four hours, I was a little bit scared that something might be wrong. I was about to call for the nurse when she and the other staff came in to check me again. It was about noon.

The first doctor ob-gyn, an intern, checked me but wasn’t super confident and called in another doctor to double check me. The second doctor came in and told everybody: she’s ready to go and this baby is small, she’s going to squeeze it right out! I was thrilled to know that I was already fully dilated (!!!) and my mom was in shock as she had just slept through the last two or three hours of my labour but my DH was still gone! In the mean time I was really fighting my body to stop pushing through contractions and keep the baby inside me until DH got back. Finally about 15 minutes later after a mad dash through mid-day traffic, DH arrived and I was finally allowed to start pushing FOR REAL. Only thing was, my contractions had slowed right down (I think because of my fighting against them for the past half hour or so.) The doctors made me push anyway and our beautiful daughter was born after about a half an hour of pushing (which felt sooooo good) at 12:46pm. I had a small episiotomy (which I hadn’t wanted but didn’t give a damn to fight against in that moment) that resulted in a minor 2nd degree tear but was otherwise in great shape and shocked when I realized that I had given my birth to my baby girl without any drugs, lucid and completely present for the entire experience. I am still soo proud! She looked just like a little rosebud to me from the minute she was born, and after a day with no name DH and I decided to go with my first instinct and call he what she was… our little rosebud. We call her Rosie for short and it suits her so well. She’s sweet but very feisty… she was screaming before she was fully delivered, but her father puts it best when he says “she came out singing!”

6lbs 7.5 ounces with a full head of dark hair that sticks straight up!

FOOTNOTE: I later found out from my mom that DH had pulled Mary-Maude aside in the hallway and told her about my birth plan and my goals of having a drug free birth. He basically told her that he knew I could do it; I just needed reaffirmation that he couldn’t give me… DH knows that I would have just told him to shove it, but I would respond well Mary-Maude’s gentle yet strict authority, he was right. In the days leading up to my labour I was worried that he wouldn’t be able to give me the assistance I thought I would need, coaching me through my labour and looking out for my best interests, but I was completely wrong… he stayed out of my way and stood up for me when I doubted myself and I love him more than ever for it.

OH BABY!

I had a baby!!!! I'm planning on writing out my birth story and putting up a few little pictures for all you faithful follower(s), but for now let me just inform you all that our Rosebud Elizabeth Pearl was born April 26th at 12:46 pm at the hospital with, get this... NO DRUGS! I am so proud of myself and proud of her too. We are completely in love and hilariously pretty much threw all of our name choices away once we met her. We call her Rosie and she is absolutely delicious.

here she is with her daddy!

induction... or not?

Still no baby! To be honest, I'm not completely surprised. For one thing, this baby wasn't *exactly* planned. I have no idea when my last menstrual period was. at all. So when the doctor determined the gestational age of this little person, it was based on ultrasounds, which I hear aren't all together accurate. In fact, at our 20 week ultrasound (which we had at about 24 weeks, oops!) the ultrasound technician told us she would suggest changing the due date to April 21st. Our doctor kept our original due date, but the 21st always seemed more reasonable to me for whatever reason. I'm also not surprised because I only just finished all of the assignments I had been working on to finish up my courses this morning. I had to ask for a couple of extensions, which I never ever do, by the way, but I'm finally finished! Maybe now I'll be able to send the baby some come hither vibes. I want to meet my little one!

I'm getting a bit anxious now. As I said, our doctor chose to keep our original due date, which was April 16th (my mom's birthday!) Our doctor has also told us that he would only let my pregnancy go ten days 'late' before inducing labour. I DO NOT want to be medically induced! At all! I am much much more comfortable with the idea of this baby coming on its own. My mom is also coming to stay with us for a week on Thursday, and so there is more than one reason I would like to have my baby in my arms before then. I love my mom and know that it would be helpful if she were around for the birth, but I would really, really like for B. and I to be able to spend time with our child together before anybody else shows up. The whole idea overwhelms me. My ideal is me spending the first week in bed with the baby figuring things out as B. gravitates around us, loving us and helping me but also having the opportunity to do so at his own will. Then again, this is my first time: who knows what I want?

So today was a day of me trying to gently encourage the appearance of this baby by wednesday. Although I am uncomfortable with the idea of being medically induced, I have sort of embraced a more holistic approach by using some of the suggested 'natural' inducing techniques that can be found on the net. Today I: took Evening Primrose Oil orally (something I have been doing for the last few days,) drank Red Raspberry Leaf tea, ate fresh pineapple, cleaned the house and went grocery shopping (nesting!) drank a glass of wine, tried meditating positive birth vibes, had a special moment with B. and tried nipple stimulation, all of which can help to naturally induce labour. I bought Castor Oil but I have reservations about taking it so I'm planning to hold off for now. So far all of this has resulted in nothing but some good ol' Braxton Hicks. Fun as it is when they don't hurt, I almost wish they did! Am I crazy? Am I ready for this?

I'll let y'all know how I'm feeling in the morning.

April 21st

I was really hoping today would be the day! I even had a dream that I was going into labour...

update: t-3 days

I'm still pregnant! My due date is on Monday, but I have been telling myself all along that I would be over-due in attempts to psychologically prepare myself for going over the 40 week marker. Apparently it hasn't worked quite as well as I had hoped, however, because I am impatient and uncomfortable. This last week has been a doozy and not only that but I am still struggling to complete the last of my assignments for the semester. Egad! Here's a poor quality blackberry photo of me at the snack table at my vernissage last night to hold you all over until my next post.

packing

as in unpacking boxes and packing on the pounds. I have gained SO MUCH weight, I am seriously afraid of what my body will look like when this pregnancy is over. I wish I could pretend like I don't care but I really truly honestly do. In other news, the baby has dropped! We are so close now! I have a million assignments left for school and I can't get a lick of work done. In other words, my life is a disaster and I barely care because I'm going to have a baby so soon. ALSO: The new place is looking amazing! We have been working so hard and I'm so so happy to suddenly have this new wonderful home. I will post photos soon.

this is where we used to live

This may or may not be our last night in this apartment. We are only moving downstairs, into a much bigger place. I am really excited to move on and open this new chapter of our lives, but I am so so sad. This was our second apartment together but I feel like it is where blake and I built our lives together and i'm completely heartbroken to be leaving. I haven't felt this sentimental in a long time. I should always take more photos of my life, so many treasured moments are always passing us by. I feel like I'm in high school again!

We're moving!

Not yet, but soon. and I'm losing my mind!

cornell

i am working on a project, a suitcase love-letter to my baby child, a storybook biography in a box. I am trying to find inspiration and looking at work by the wonderful joseph cornell. I'll post pictures as soon as I'm finished, but it's going to take awhile.

isn't it pretty?

untitled, by joseph cornell.

vivre la poutine!

I can never tell whether I am hungry or not because I always want to eat everything but I always feel so full! As a result I just overeat and moan about it or forget to eat until I give myself a panic attack. Quel dommage.

oh, and vivre la poutine. image from food guy montreal.

before bebe

I love my unborn baby and am sooo excited to be a mother, but I'm also really looking forward to getting out on the town again, one day.

and here's hoping those clothes will fit again!