feelings

Oh man, have I dropped off the side of the planet or what?

the thing is, I really do have so much to say! actually saying it, however, or having the time to say it, or actually having the words come to me when i DO have time is another matter.

rosebud is growing up fast. she crawls like a champ, and you have to watch her all the time! she loves to eat. she loves to get her 'little grabbers' in gucky, gooky cat food and baby poop, for what it's worth. LOTS of baths happen over here. and speaking of baths, well, she used to love them and kind of still does, but instead of splashing around in the tub with giggles galore she always, always wants to stand up. so she does.
i guess we're asking for those sticky bathtub things for christmas? because inevitably, due to the slippery bathtub, she falls. usually right on her rump, which works out well for all parties involved, but occasionally she hits her head (not hard! i'm right there to catch her as she falls!).

my little girl, growing up so fast!

they all say that it would happen quickly, that time would slip away so fast, but i didn't expect it to be like this! I remember thinking that once she could crawl, and i mean REALLY crawl, she would settle down for awhile and be satisfied. for our little one, this isn't so. once, so frustrated at not knowing how to crawl, she now wishes she could walk! she lets go for seconds at a time and we watch her face change: curiosity, bewilderment, excitement, shock and then sometimes, fear. sometimes, back on the safety of her little big bum, she cries, other times she gives us a smile a mile wide.

what can i do for you, my little one? how can i teach you best?

we all read the books, we all make the speculations and we all do our best and wonder what, how and why we're doing you wrong.

rosebud, when i wish on a star tonight, and i do, i wish for you. but i also wish for myself.
i wish that somehow, without fail, i can teach you. i wish that i can assist you in being a better woman than i am: stronger, smarter, more determined. i wish for you now, little bud. please, let me help you be the best that you can be.

i love you.
mom.

POST HALLOWEEN POST

i love halloween and believe in the importance of homemade costumes.

exhibit a.

TEETHING

At almost six months, rosebud doesn't have any teeth yet, but i'm thinking that look of anguish (not to mention her general fussiness today) means something! watch it go on for another month before we get a tooth.
come on rosie, you can do it!

on co-sleeping

the world of motherhood is as confusing as it is exciting. there is so much information out there and a lot of it is conflicting and most of it is general guidelines. but every family has a different needs, no?

so: co-sleeping. we did it at first. my mom was kind of horrified by the idea but i liked what i read and even if i hadn't read anything about co-sleeping, once i had that teeny tiny baby in my arms i couldn't even imagine putting her little body in a big scary crib to sleep, so she slept with us.

the first week or two she only slept on me. i was exhausted and nursing A LOT (as tends to be the norm with newborns) so i would nurse her in a sitting up/semi-reclined position and just fall asleep holding her. boy oh boy, was my back ever sore! but it worked for us! i wasn't worried about dropping her or rolling over onto her because, well, i just wasn't. and sure enough, every time i woke up, there she would be in my arms and everything would be hunky-dory. (aside from, you know, being in pain, always. and exhausted. and crying through feedings because it hurt *so much*.) it should also be noted that we had an *arm's reach co-sleeper* all set up, but it's main purpose at this point was holding spare blankeys and (cloth!) diapers.

after about four weeks i (finally) got a hang of the ol' side-lying nursing position, and it changed my life. for real. I COULD SLEEP AGAIN. and sleep i did, with my little rosebud nestled into me. when she needed to feed, she just did!!! i wouldn't even wake up all the time, which was glorious. a feeding every few hours was no longer a painful and torturous endeavour. at this point i pretty much figured everybody who didn't co-sleep must be insane. i was still waking up often, but not having to move made it okay.

sometime between two months and three months postpartum, i began to feel, well, healed, and b. and i were feeling the need for a little bit more intimacy, and that's when that co-sleeper REALLY came in handy. i would transfer rosie over after nursing her to sleep and that would allow us to sleep as we normally would without her little body right there, but she still *was* right there, which was the beauty of it all. she would inevitably wake up at some point during the night and end up back in bed with us, but hey, you take what you can get, right? and we loved her little baby snuggles all the more.

fast-forward to about two or three weeks ago. i read that if you don't get your babe out of your bed by six months, they often don't make the transition until two or three years. i was a little worried. was i ready for that much of a co-sleeping commitment? worried as i was, i wasn't really strongly considering making a change. Then B. says, why don' we just try her out in her crib, just as an experiment? we'll just see how it goes.

verdict? it was no big thing. I think it was harder on me than it was on her. rosebud sleeps super well in her crib. she usually goes down between 930 and 1030 and wakes up anytime between 6-8. i feel we are still inherently connected. I used to have to set 3 alarm clocks when i was working he morning shift because i would sleep through not one, but two alarms. now, i just kind of jolt awake and then sneak into her room to find her smiling and playing in her crib in the morning light. it's adorable! and validating! and then, guess what? i take her back into bed with me and we snuggle for another couple or few hours, she nurses, i kiss her little head, B. dotes on her, we all share smiles and we get a couple more z's in while we can. and it's AWESOME.

am i taking sides in the bedding debate? AU CONTRAIRE! if there is (and there is) a moral to this exceedingly long and boring to anybody but me story, it's that you should just follow your instincts. they're usually pretty okay.

i wanted to be a co-sleeping mom. and i was. and guess what, i still think i am, because those morning time hours are precious and priceless, and rosie seems content and thriving, so we must be doing okay! sometimes experience, personal, lived-in experience means more than anything you read or hear.

the end.

FIVE FREAKING MONTHS

rosebud is five months old. she can almost crawl but sometimes gets frustrated when she realized she's just not quite there yet. she rolls from back to front and front to back but sometimes just forgets how to go from front to back and gets frustrated then, too. nothing scooping her up and giving her a cuddle doesn't fix, though.

our room-mate recently got a dog and she just loves animals, especially his dog, dingo. almost every time dingo comes near she breathes heavily from excitement and giggles as dingo sniffs at her. dingo can stop her from fussing by entering the room. she loves the kitty, too, but the kitty is a little less stoked on her, so they haven't really bonded yet the way dingo and rosie have.

she loves lots of kisses, especially on her hand and her chubby little tummy.

she still loves music and dances, often in time to the music, when in her jolly jumper.

and her smile could brighten the darkest of days.

oh, and today me and auntie hannah fed her BEETS! I know you are supposed to wait until 6 months, but she is showing a lot of interest so i have been giving her tastes. she held the spoon herself and lunged forward, gobbling down all that beety goodness.

and then there are those days when rosebud doesn't nap and is a bit of a fuss pot all day long. I don't want to complain because, by the sounds of it, rosie is a pretty laid-back, low maintenance baby, but i still have those days where all i can think to say is: ALRIGHT, I'M DOING MY BEST HERE, OKAY!?

so here's to some of the best and most challenging days of my life. i love you, little bud.

growing pains

today we went to visit our dear dear friends, just three days after the birth of their little guy, clarence. (they came to see us in the hospital when rosie was just one day old, immediately after they found out they were having a boy!) The minute we got in the door i burst into tears. happy tears for them, because i was so happy to see this of this perfect little being and the way they were transitioning from a couple to a family. I know that feeling! it's a good (if overwhelming) feeling!

but also tears of sadness, because meeting little clarence made me realize HOW BIG ROSEBUD IS! she is SO BIG! through my tears I looked at b. and said, "see, i told you she's not little anymore!"

and so, despite it being one of the happiest of occasions, my heart broke just a little bit today.

clarence with his daddy and rosebud with me!

gorgeous

i really DON'T want to miss a thing!

I usually tell only close, non-judgey freinds this, but here i go telling the world.

my favourite movie OF ALL TIME is *armageddon*. I cry EVERY TIME!
for one thing, i just love cheesy action movies. the other thing, though, is that i was a bit of a daddy's girl growing up.

My dad was in the military when i was a kid and, although he was an air force man, he worked on the helicopters that were on naval ships for a long time and use to go away A LOT. we always got by alright but i was just a little kid and some days i would wonder if m daddy would ever come back. something about the scene with liv tyler and bruce wllis saying their final goodbyes on the screen really gets me going. as in bawling. i've seen the movie countless times and i'm seriously talking every. single. time. embarassing, i know. i also happen to find ben affleck mega dreamy. i don't care what you think.

thing is, i remember people saying that it was a touch creepy that liv tyler's own father, steve tyler sings the love theme for the film (and she appears in the aerosmith video.) i never really found it creepy. my attitude always was, you get a gig, you do the gig. ever a musician's wife, i guess.

then b's brother's wedding happened. and *i don't want to miss a thing* came on. it was one of the few moments at the wedding reception that i was actually holding rosie. let's just say she is one popular baby. i though nothing of it and started slow dancing with her, when my epiphany hit. for one thing, there is certainly a romance between liv tyler and ben affleck in *armageddon*, but really it's a sub-plot. the real story revolves around the complicated yet loving relationship between liv tyler and her on screen dad, bruce willis. the other thing is, *i don't want to miss a thing* is NOT a romantic love song, but a love song from a parent to a child. i was hearing it through new ears. and tears were streaming down my face. rosie's dress was soaked. all sorts of extended family members were most likely giving me confused looks. rosebud was feigning indifference. i was oblivious.
and that's how *I don't want to miss a thing* became our song.