11 months... give or take a week.

Rosebud, my darling, i miss you while you sleep.

i miss your searching eyes and your unending curiosity! a zest for life the likes of which i have never seen. 'hi, hi, hi.' when i nurse you, you pull away and smile, 'hi.' you are walking now and almost running! chase your dreams, my girl (and i'll be chasing you).

kitty is still your favourite thing and you still chirp, screech and sing at the sight of her. i hope you always love animals (and people) the way you do now.

i am so proud of your capacity for knowledge and strength. when we started swimming lessons in january you cried THE WHOLE TIME. but i held you close! gradually, you gained confidence and, with the help of a few friendly foam hippos, you excelled in your lessons until our final two when you entered the pool smiling and cried only because we had to leave. I hope that our first swimming lessons are foreshadowing, a metaphor for the way you will approach this gift of life you have been given. may every daunting task you face be met with just the right amount of fear and apprehension, but may you explore, learn and gain confidence in every day of your life and with any task you wish to conquer. In your hesitation, i will always be there for you to hold onto, for you to cry to, to help you along the way. and if you change your mind? well, hat's okay too.

as we approach your first birthday, i mourn the ending of your babyhood but look forward to all the special moments of your life we have yet to witness. i have such faith in your mind and your abilities and i hope that your ambition and passion are qualities that will stay with you all of your life. my biggest wish is that i will have the ability to keep you safe from harm's reach while meanwhile nurturing you and encouraging you to go forth in your life with the tenacity you already show.

i'm so proud to be your mama.

ps. it's okay to be a fussapotamus sometimes, too.

HI and I MISSED TEN MONTHS

...which just goes to show how quickly time is passing by, these days.

Rosebud, you are (over) ten months old now.
You can walk! but only a few steps at a time.
You say hi, mama, dada, yeah and kitty.
you are 28.5 inches tall.
you know how to climb down from the bed or couch by turning your little body around and heading down feet first. (this somehow just kills me. i'm SO proud)
I'm exhausted and anxious, but here is a little tidbit of rosie and her new favourite word!

WINTER

And this is the view from our front door on this fine, February afternoon.

Of course I know that winter doesn't end officially until the end of march nor does it practically end until mid-late April, nonetheless, it feels torturous knowing that the west coast is already seeing spring-like conditions while we are lost in another winter storm.
Care to remind me why I ever moved here? Oh yes, for the love of my life and eventually this:

I guess my day isn't that bad after all.

SEVEN INCH MONDAY (SUNDAY) - GINO IS A COWARD

a gino washington kind of day, today. something energizing is necessary when chasing around a(n almost) toddler!

first steps?

We've had quite the morning with Rosie today! She woke up in the middle of the night so she was in our bed with us, but she woke up first. I guess she was pretty frustrated that her mama and daddy were still asleep, but rather than pulling my hair or tugging out my earrings (like she usually does), she grabbed my iphone and turned on some music. Mazzy Star! While i was bumbling around reaching for my glasses, she somehow managed to call her dad's cell phone, thereby waking him up as well! He went right back to sleep while i gave her kisses and we got ready to make the best of our early saturday morning! I hope i remember our little adventures forever.

Another thing! she may or may not have taken her first steps yesterday. I was in the kitchen doing some clean up and Blake was hanging out with rosie and playing words with friends on my phone. He was watching her as she held onto a chair but then looked down at his phone to complete his word and when he looked up, she was standing in the middle of the living room, out of reach of any furniture! here is our beauty as of Thursday, when we had a little impromptu photoshoot

.

ALSO: by the time i had finished writing this entry, i had indeed caught rosebud walking unassisted again! Just one step, but WOW!

SEVEN INCH SUNDAY WILL BE TOMMORROW!

wednesdays

on wednesday mornings, i go to class. the first one was really tough for me because oh my god, will she be okay without me? it's four whole hours and she's awake! (it's somehow a little easier to leave her when she's sleeping. she doesn't even know i'm gone! unless she wakes up...) the first wednesday went swimmingly, of course, and now i don't even worry. not on bit! (okay maybe a TINY bit)

wednesday in our household is daddy daughter day! if b. has a painting contract on the go that week, he says, sorry boys, wednesday is daddy daughter day. they stay in bed after i've gone, just a little while longer while the house warms up. they get up and daddy feeds the girl and gives her water. they play piano together and then listen to classical records. blake tell her everything! the composer, the instruments, the time period. he reads her books. more often than not, she's asleep when i get home.

today i snuck to the grocery store to grab a few things before heading home. the air was brisk and i missed me some baby slumber sighs, so i walked quick. she was awake, but just! sleepy smell still clinging to her hair and clouds in her eyes. even so, just a quick cuddle and away she went in all fours, chasing the dog, chasing the cat.

I'm a better mother because of it; even without knowing i do, i miss her, and when i return i love her even more. despite mama's brief absence, i have it on pretty good authority that wednesdays are rosie's FAVOURITE day of the week.

two tooths and water

i know i kind of went over this in my last post, but boy oh boy, rosie's just not a baby anymore.

I love motherhood and all of the rewards it gives me. kisses and smiles have never been such a high currency to me as they are for me now. she sleeps now, mouth gaping open. and a little tooth! no, two little teeth peek through!

breath as soft as a cashmere cloud and the smell, oh, the smell! nothing smells just quite like a baby's breath. but oh, when she wakes she is like water. she is still, deep and pensive. she is waves crashing, a storm about to break. she is the sun, smiling through dark clouds. she is my silver lining. little rosebud, to see you blossom is the sweetest thing. when i sleep i dream of days spent with you. love, mama.

SUNDAY SEVEN INCH - two quirky old songs.

two song i love than are fun(ny) to sing while washing the dishes (incedentally, my favourite time to sing!).

i always get a huge kick out of sounds that sound happy and swinging but have really sad or dark lyrics. this cover by chaz mcdivett and nancy whiskey is pure brilliance and exactly that. i just love the contradiction between the ontent and the form. and the whistling kills me!

benny goodman with martha tilton!

another swinging take on a familiar classic! doesn't martha just sound so suave? i love her vocal here, just love it.

tiny tot

rosebud can stand unassisted for a few minutes at a a time. rosebud has learned how to open the drawers in the kitchen all by herself. if you giver her something that she doesn't want, rosebud throws it defiantly on the floor.

At just 8 and a half months old, i feel like she is a toddler already.

but then, she is still so small. waving her little hand from across the room "hi mommy, hi." sleeping head heavy on my chest.

she had her first swimming lesson yesterday. she cried through about half of it (the water was cold!), but looked just darling in her little red bathing suit with the red hearts.
here's proof.

rosebud is (over) 8 months!

rosebud talks. she leans in for kisses and, sometimes, returns them. rosebud follows the cat and dog around the house. rosebud stands with one hand and every once and awhile she lets go and hovers there for a moment without realizing what she has done! stand tall my daughter! be confident! don't be afraid! she has blue ayes that sparkle (just like her daddy's) and a smile that shines like the sun.

we love her more than we knew we could. how can someone so small hold me in the palm of her hand?

a little late!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everybody! Here is a little something I made for close family that I thought I would share with the world.

Ain't she sweet?

Oh boy oh boy.

I've been away for so long and at first it was because of overwhelming anxiety due to finals, but more recently there has been no reason for my absence aside from a thrilling and continually ongoing Gilmore Girls marathon

I finally got an iPhone! The screen is shattered but it works and I can finally realize all my Instagram dreams.

feelings

Oh man, have I dropped off the side of the planet or what?

the thing is, I really do have so much to say! actually saying it, however, or having the time to say it, or actually having the words come to me when i DO have time is another matter.

rosebud is growing up fast. she crawls like a champ, and you have to watch her all the time! she loves to eat. she loves to get her 'little grabbers' in gucky, gooky cat food and baby poop, for what it's worth. LOTS of baths happen over here. and speaking of baths, well, she used to love them and kind of still does, but instead of splashing around in the tub with giggles galore she always, always wants to stand up. so she does.
i guess we're asking for those sticky bathtub things for christmas? because inevitably, due to the slippery bathtub, she falls. usually right on her rump, which works out well for all parties involved, but occasionally she hits her head (not hard! i'm right there to catch her as she falls!).

my little girl, growing up so fast!

they all say that it would happen quickly, that time would slip away so fast, but i didn't expect it to be like this! I remember thinking that once she could crawl, and i mean REALLY crawl, she would settle down for awhile and be satisfied. for our little one, this isn't so. once, so frustrated at not knowing how to crawl, she now wishes she could walk! she lets go for seconds at a time and we watch her face change: curiosity, bewilderment, excitement, shock and then sometimes, fear. sometimes, back on the safety of her little big bum, she cries, other times she gives us a smile a mile wide.

what can i do for you, my little one? how can i teach you best?

we all read the books, we all make the speculations and we all do our best and wonder what, how and why we're doing you wrong.

rosebud, when i wish on a star tonight, and i do, i wish for you. but i also wish for myself.
i wish that somehow, without fail, i can teach you. i wish that i can assist you in being a better woman than i am: stronger, smarter, more determined. i wish for you now, little bud. please, let me help you be the best that you can be.

i love you.
mom.

fyi

just so y'all know, my unofficial sabbatical should end on friday after my final.

i'll be back, i promise!

DEAF BABY HEARS

I am totally crying. are you crying?

SEVEN MONTHS

rosebud is seven months old! she can crawl all over the place and loves to explore. she can pull herself up to a standing position all by herself and she loves to be standing as much as possible. she still falls down lots, though. she loves following the doggy, the kitty, mommy or daddy from room to room. i love to watch her crawl toward something and then stop and sit up! the first time i saw her pull out that move i was just completely bewildered. she still puts everything in her mouth, especially paper. Her favourite foods are toast, banana, broccoli, avocado and all different types of soup. she talks all the time and calls her daddy 'dada.'
at first we thought, oh, she just talks by saying dadada (which she does), she's not REALLy saying dada. Until one day, about a week ago I was nursing on the couch. daddy came over to say hi, so she pulled off. she looked at him for a moment, placed her little hand on his cheek and then said 'dada', just like that. we both melted.

ps. we got a new camera!

SEVEN INCH SUNDAYS - CHRISTMAS MUSIC THAT'S NOT CHRISTMAS MUSIC

I've taken a little accidental break. oops.

the last couple of weeks have been busy and draining. I'm still working on completing my degree and so I have been working on two online courses this semester! It never got too crazy, the worst part of it was just that little voice in the back of my head that is always there, reminding me i have other things that need to be down, especially when I'm doing something I enjoy, and stresses me out more the longer my list is. courses make my list longer. i still have two finals and a lot of cramming to do, but for the next week or so, i'm putting a muzzle on that voice and relaxing!

Now, though, I'm just tired.

I can't even think of a musical selection!

okay. in honour of comforting, low-needs, easy listening music, here is patsy cline. i love patsy. she is sorrowful, yet fun. her voice feels like warm flannel sheets. my love of singing along to patsy is almost unparalleled.

patsy cline is perfect for november for many reasons. the aforementioned comparison to warm flannel sheets is an important one, but another reason, for me at least, is christmas.

you know when it's late November or early December and it's really starting to feel christmas-y and you'd like to indulge in that feeling without overdoing it because every time you go anywhere, christmas and holiday music is playing? or you just don't want to jump the gun and already be tired of christmas music by the 15th by accident? this is what i do in those times of peril.

I listen to patsy cline. and frank sinatra. and nat king cole. louis armstrong and ella fitzgerald. and a little bit of elvis, but only the nostalgic, croon-y ones.

there are others, but those ones are the big ones. It's the velvety texture of the recordings and the tempo of the songs. it reminds me of polished wood and candlelight. it reminds me of my grandparent's house and the smell of captain black's tobacco. it reminds me of CHRISTMAS! without actually being about christmas, you know?

please, if anybody reads this, does this music have the same quality for you, or am i just one of the lucky ones? at any rate, here's to christmas music that's not christmas music.

*just a note* this post is not meant to be exclusionary in any way. I write about christmas because i was raised anglican and christmas is what i know. i write what i know! the next month is going to be about christmas non-stop, so you have officially been forewarned! love to all, though!

SEVEN INCH SUNDAYS - BLUEGRASS LOVE STORY EDITION

okay y'all. this seven inch sunday is to commemorate last week's adventure.

Blake has been away on a mini-tour all weekend and rosebud and I are really missing him, so a little nostalgic bluegrass will be my perfect tonic. Here are the two songs b. sang for me last week. enjoy!

same, but different

she looks the same, but different. just look at all that dark hair!

ps. i miss my baby. to others, she's still a baby, but i see her as almost a toddler now!

a summer love story - with bluegrass

last night, Blake and I attended the 15th anniversary of bluegrass night at barfly.

Meanwhile, in an alternate universe somewhere, it is April 24th, 2005, and I have just arrived in the big, strange city of Montreal from my small-town coastal city nestled away safely in Vancouver Island. My room-mates are people i know from back home, and upon arrival at my new apartment in the heart of le plateau, they collectively decide to take me out on the town, even though it's Sunday night! because I'm eighteen and legally allowed to drink in real bars!

Barfly is a dive-y, hole in the wall joint on the main not for from my new digs. There is bluegrass music, smoke hanging in the air, conversations in at least two languages and lots and lots of beer. after being asked about whether or not i liked the music, my reply was 'I don't think I get it, but I'm pretty sure I like it.'

and there was that mysteriously handsome young man playing the cello? no silly, that's a bass! all night long.

I went back almost every single sunday night that summer.

my love for the music grew in leaps and bounds, and I always kept my eye on that man, whom i affectionately referred to as 'rockabilly boy.' eventually, he had his eye on me, too. that summer went on and became the summer dreams are made of, but was abruptly ended when i ran out of money and had to go back 'home' to Vancouver Island to go to college.

Now, in this universe, it is been about seven and a half years later. I am older, wiser, and have had a lot more pints of beer from those sordid barfly taps. not so many lately, however, because me and 'rockabilly boy' are married and have our own perfect little child, equal parts he and i. i don't know the ending to this story, yet, but here's hoping for 'and they lived happily ever after...'

then

now

PS. last night rockabilly boy played one of his old classics, and i closed my eyes and saw that girl, that boy, all those years ago. i saw rosebud. and i cried! Unabashed, right there in the middle of that crowded bar.