Rosebud Elizabeth Pearl: A Novel

At just over 41 weeks I was starting to get concerned about being induced. At my 41 week appointment on Wednesday, April 25th, I allowed me obgyn to strip my membranes, but he still scheduled an induction for the following Tuesday, just in case. When I called and told my mom, she was pretty disappointed. She was schedules to arrive the next morning and was leaving on Wednesday- if I were to be induced it would mean she would have less than a day to spend with her first grandchild.

My day was fairly uneventful, I felt a bit of cramping after having my membranes stripped but I didn’t really feel like anything was happening. I had bought a bottle of castor oil the day before so I took a little bit… not even a full dose though. Despite not feeling much, I did decide I should make sure the guest bedroom was ready for my mom, just in case.

That night DH and I went to bed and watched some TV. I could feel my BH contractions were becoming more intense and painful and I knew it was the real deal. When our last episode ended I told him that it was no big deal, but that I was having contractions and that he should be ready. At this point they were already pretty painful but I was doing a pretty good job of meditating through them.

DH fell asleep right away and I couldn’t handle squirming around in bed next to him anymore. I ran myself a bath and while it was soothing, I was pretty uncomfortable in our tiny bathtub, so after about an hour I moved into the guest bedroom, where I calmly comforted myself through contractions in the dark. I’m pretty proud of these moments because of how well I felt that I dealt with labour on my own for the very first time. I texted my mom at about 3am to let her know she might have to meet us at the hospital.

At about 4am I tried to wake DH to go to the hospital but he was still out like a light. I made him a pot of coffee anyway and continued to work through my contractions on my own. At this point my contractions were probably about a minute long and coming every 5 minutes or so. At 6am I finally woke DH and told him he should be ready to go when my mom arrived and I texted her to let her know she could meet us at home but that she too should be ready to go right away. I think DH was shocked to watch me work through a few contractions and finally realized I was in labour and this baby was coming! My water broke at 7am, about 10 minutes before my mom arrived.

We left right away for the hospital but had to turn back when I realized I forgot my file… oops! My contractions slowed down a bit on the way to the hospital but since my water had broken they became much more intense. When we were halfway to the hospital I emphatically stated that if I was 3cm dilated or less, I wanted an epidural IMMEDIATELY! Who gives a crap about natural birth, anyway?

Fortunately we were admitted into a labour room right away and I was disappointed to be put down on a bed and attached to external fetal monitors right away, especially since the elastic they used to attach the monitor seemed to only make my contractions more intense. I was introduced to my nurse, Mary-Maude a soft yet authoritative Haitian women whom I hated and loved. She was so so good at putting me in my place, which was pretty much exactly what I needed. She told me to stop moaning as I was wasting my breath, I needed to just breathe and concentrate through my contractions and I would be able to get through them more easily. They checked my cervix and I was dilated to 2. I hated myself for it, but I think I must have been having some back labour because although I was feeling pain and pressure in my abdomen, the radial burning pain I had in my lower back was what really left me screeching for relief. After maybe an hour of labour at the hospital, I asked for the anesthesiologist. I talked to her about my options a bit and decided I still didn’t want the epidural, but I did want to try the IV of some unspecified painkiller, which she said would take the edge off my labour pain. My husband was supportive but told me he was a little surprised that I was opting for painkillers after I had so adamantly insisted over the last 8 months that I wanted to have a drug-free childbirth experience. I pretty much told him he could stuff it and to let me know how it went if HE ever made it through a drug free labour. I was pretty annoyed with everybody at this point and was having more success working through my contractions alone anyway, so my DH left to go get a few things from home that we had forgotten when we left that morning. After all, I was only a 2 and would probably be laboring until at least later that evening. At some point right around this time, Mary-Maude came in and got tough with me; she told me that I still had a long way to go and that I couldn’t have a shot and decide to go for the epidural later. She also suggested that my labour was going to get more intense, so I’d be better off waiting until my pain was really unmanageable before resorting to drugs for pain relief. I told her that I thought that labour already was unmanageable because of the intensity of my back pain, but she told me that she could see I was strong and she was confident that I could make it through this stage of labour be concentrating on my breathing. Even though I still wanted relief from the pain, I relented and she told the anesthesiologist to come back in a few hours.

After DH left and the anesthesiologist was sent packing, things quieted down quite a bit and my mom fell asleep. I was working through my contractions as they became more and more painful but surprisingly was able to sleep between contractions. I think this was the only way I could manage the pain on my own, and my meditation through this stage of labour was to imagine myself in a small dark room alone. I got up to pee and had a contraction on the toilet which was a nice change from the ones I had been having on the bed (I had imagined myself feeling comfort by walking through contractions but that was actually the worst for me, I also hated being on my hands and knees. Fetal position or on my back were the best for me.) What surprised me most about my contraction on the toilet, though, was that my body all of a sudden started to push. Since I had only been at the hospital at this point for about three or four hours, I was a little bit scared that something might be wrong. I was about to call for the nurse when she and the other staff came in to check me again. It was about noon.

The first doctor ob-gyn, an intern, checked me but wasn’t super confident and called in another doctor to double check me. The second doctor came in and told everybody: she’s ready to go and this baby is small, she’s going to squeeze it right out! I was thrilled to know that I was already fully dilated (!!!) and my mom was in shock as she had just slept through the last two or three hours of my labour but my DH was still gone! In the mean time I was really fighting my body to stop pushing through contractions and keep the baby inside me until DH got back. Finally about 15 minutes later after a mad dash through mid-day traffic, DH arrived and I was finally allowed to start pushing FOR REAL. Only thing was, my contractions had slowed right down (I think because of my fighting against them for the past half hour or so.) The doctors made me push anyway and our beautiful daughter was born after about a half an hour of pushing (which felt sooooo good) at 12:46pm. I had a small episiotomy (which I hadn’t wanted but didn’t give a damn to fight against in that moment) that resulted in a minor 2nd degree tear but was otherwise in great shape and shocked when I realized that I had given my birth to my baby girl without any drugs, lucid and completely present for the entire experience. I am still soo proud! She looked just like a little rosebud to me from the minute she was born, and after a day with no name DH and I decided to go with my first instinct and call he what she was… our little rosebud. We call her Rosie for short and it suits her so well. She’s sweet but very feisty… she was screaming before she was fully delivered, but her father puts it best when he says “she came out singing!”

6lbs 7.5 ounces with a full head of dark hair that sticks straight up!

FOOTNOTE: I later found out from my mom that DH had pulled Mary-Maude aside in the hallway and told her about my birth plan and my goals of having a drug free birth. He basically told her that he knew I could do it; I just needed reaffirmation that he couldn’t give me… DH knows that I would have just told him to shove it, but I would respond well Mary-Maude’s gentle yet strict authority, he was right. In the days leading up to my labour I was worried that he wouldn’t be able to give me the assistance I thought I would need, coaching me through my labour and looking out for my best interests, but I was completely wrong… he stayed out of my way and stood up for me when I doubted myself and I love him more than ever for it.

OH BABY!

I had a baby!!!! I'm planning on writing out my birth story and putting up a few little pictures for all you faithful follower(s), but for now let me just inform you all that our Rosebud Elizabeth Pearl was born April 26th at 12:46 pm at the hospital with, get this... NO DRUGS! I am so proud of myself and proud of her too. We are completely in love and hilariously pretty much threw all of our name choices away once we met her. We call her Rosie and she is absolutely delicious.

here she is with her daddy!

induction... or not?

Still no baby! To be honest, I'm not completely surprised. For one thing, this baby wasn't *exactly* planned. I have no idea when my last menstrual period was. at all. So when the doctor determined the gestational age of this little person, it was based on ultrasounds, which I hear aren't all together accurate. In fact, at our 20 week ultrasound (which we had at about 24 weeks, oops!) the ultrasound technician told us she would suggest changing the due date to April 21st. Our doctor kept our original due date, but the 21st always seemed more reasonable to me for whatever reason. I'm also not surprised because I only just finished all of the assignments I had been working on to finish up my courses this morning. I had to ask for a couple of extensions, which I never ever do, by the way, but I'm finally finished! Maybe now I'll be able to send the baby some come hither vibes. I want to meet my little one!

I'm getting a bit anxious now. As I said, our doctor chose to keep our original due date, which was April 16th (my mom's birthday!) Our doctor has also told us that he would only let my pregnancy go ten days 'late' before inducing labour. I DO NOT want to be medically induced! At all! I am much much more comfortable with the idea of this baby coming on its own. My mom is also coming to stay with us for a week on Thursday, and so there is more than one reason I would like to have my baby in my arms before then. I love my mom and know that it would be helpful if she were around for the birth, but I would really, really like for B. and I to be able to spend time with our child together before anybody else shows up. The whole idea overwhelms me. My ideal is me spending the first week in bed with the baby figuring things out as B. gravitates around us, loving us and helping me but also having the opportunity to do so at his own will. Then again, this is my first time: who knows what I want?

So today was a day of me trying to gently encourage the appearance of this baby by wednesday. Although I am uncomfortable with the idea of being medically induced, I have sort of embraced a more holistic approach by using some of the suggested 'natural' inducing techniques that can be found on the net. Today I: took Evening Primrose Oil orally (something I have been doing for the last few days,) drank Red Raspberry Leaf tea, ate fresh pineapple, cleaned the house and went grocery shopping (nesting!) drank a glass of wine, tried meditating positive birth vibes, had a special moment with B. and tried nipple stimulation, all of which can help to naturally induce labour. I bought Castor Oil but I have reservations about taking it so I'm planning to hold off for now. So far all of this has resulted in nothing but some good ol' Braxton Hicks. Fun as it is when they don't hurt, I almost wish they did! Am I crazy? Am I ready for this?

I'll let y'all know how I'm feeling in the morning.

April 21st

I was really hoping today would be the day! I even had a dream that I was going into labour...

update: t-3 days

I'm still pregnant! My due date is on Monday, but I have been telling myself all along that I would be over-due in attempts to psychologically prepare myself for going over the 40 week marker. Apparently it hasn't worked quite as well as I had hoped, however, because I am impatient and uncomfortable. This last week has been a doozy and not only that but I am still struggling to complete the last of my assignments for the semester. Egad! Here's a poor quality blackberry photo of me at the snack table at my vernissage last night to hold you all over until my next post.

packing

as in unpacking boxes and packing on the pounds. I have gained SO MUCH weight, I am seriously afraid of what my body will look like when this pregnancy is over. I wish I could pretend like I don't care but I really truly honestly do. In other news, the baby has dropped! We are so close now! I have a million assignments left for school and I can't get a lick of work done. In other words, my life is a disaster and I barely care because I'm going to have a baby so soon. ALSO: The new place is looking amazing! We have been working so hard and I'm so so happy to suddenly have this new wonderful home. I will post photos soon.

this is where we used to live

This may or may not be our last night in this apartment. We are only moving downstairs, into a much bigger place. I am really excited to move on and open this new chapter of our lives, but I am so so sad. This was our second apartment together but I feel like it is where blake and I built our lives together and i'm completely heartbroken to be leaving. I haven't felt this sentimental in a long time. I should always take more photos of my life, so many treasured moments are always passing us by. I feel like I'm in high school again!

We're moving!

Not yet, but soon. and I'm losing my mind!

cornell

i am working on a project, a suitcase love-letter to my baby child, a storybook biography in a box. I am trying to find inspiration and looking at work by the wonderful joseph cornell. I'll post pictures as soon as I'm finished, but it's going to take awhile.

isn't it pretty?

untitled, by joseph cornell.

vivre la poutine!

I can never tell whether I am hungry or not because I always want to eat everything but I always feel so full! As a result I just overeat and moan about it or forget to eat until I give myself a panic attack. Quel dommage.

oh, and vivre la poutine. image from food guy montreal.

before bebe

I love my unborn baby and am sooo excited to be a mother, but I'm also really looking forward to getting out on the town again, one day.

and here's hoping those clothes will fit again!

i love peep-toes

I bought these shoes last year (in black) and honestly, they stretched out pretty quickly and have a pretty thin sole - not exactly the greatest quality shoes around. BUT they are pretty much my very favourite shoe in all other regard. I'm tall so i like a low heel, and since this is a wedge i know I can wear these shoes out dancing or walking home with groceries (or baby!) in tow without having any discomfort or difficulty walking. I also think the plain black wedge goes with just about everything. I love nothing if not a flexible shoe. Thing is, with the fore-mentioned flaws in mind, when my last pair finally fell apart (after I wore them day in and day out last summer,) I told myself I would only buy these shoes again if they were half the price.

They're finally on clearance! Not quite half the price but spring is on the way and i can be a little compulsive when I shop online. In other words, i bought two pairs. Maybe not the greatest use of money with baby on the way, but something tells me I won't regret it.

qvc

billings.

Today I am somewhat randomly missing one day of our trip through the States. One special antique store in Billings, Montana. I can't even remember what state this photo was taken in (montana? wyoming?) but something about the sun in Montreal today reminds me of that day and one long road home.

found it!

I found it! It of course being the scarf Beyonce is wearing draped over Blue Ivy in the signature baby-wearing photos that were released this week. As happy I am that I found this scarf, i'm kind of disappointed that she's not just wearing a leopard or cheetah print baby carrier. I have been searching the internet for one but so far haven't found exactly what I would like. I'm not a floral type of girl, what can I say?

the scarf, along with some other gorgeous pieces, can be found here.

an anecdote

Today, on my way home from going to pick up some cloth diapers, I stopped to get some groceries. 15% cream was on sale, and being that cream is delicious and I like to cook with it often, I decided I would buy some. Upon putting said cream in my cart, I took note of the expiry date to make sure that I wasn't buying cream that would expire next week. It was then that I noticed that the cream was labelled best before April 21st, which is five days AFTER my due date.

So there it is folks, I have cream that expires after my due date. I'm freaking the f*ck out.

sadie hawkins

Happy leap year day, everybody! I can feel a growing baby under my ribcage and I'm looking for good deals on cloth diapers when i should be doing housework or homework. so be it! I forgot to tell you all about my surprise baby shower that happened on sunday! I was completely bamboozled, fresh from work, and one of my very best friends had even thought to by me a brand new party dress for the occasion. it was wonderful and I have eaten nothing but cake for the past three days as a result. I will post pictures once they are developed (yes, developed! they got me a disposable camera for all my hard copy souvenir needs.) Thanks to all my wonderful girlfriends. you are so loved.

memory lane

I'm just missing my hubby while he's away and taking a little trip down memory lane by looking at pictures of him in the early days of our relationship, back when he was playing in my favourite band of all time.

He is, at the very least in my eyes, a raging hunk of a man.

love you, baby.

diy maternity shots

yesterday morning, fresh out of bed, pillow wrinkles still creased into my cheeks, I decided to take some pictures. Inspired by two images i found on Pinterest (yes, I have one too!) I decided to give my own pretty pregnancy silhouette pic a shot.

Aren't these two photos jut lovely? I'm crazy about the grainy texture and the dramatic affect that comes through the contrast without the aid of a lot of detail.

I had to rearrange furniture a bit a construct a tripod with my coffee table and a stool, but eventually i (kind of) got the effect I was looking for. Here are my two favourite shots! I took a couple of nudie ones, too, but those are for me and B.'s eyes only... sorry folks!

I'd like to try it again with the assistance of somebody else. It's hard to get just the right angle when you're running back and forth trying to ensure the timer is working properly, but overall I think they worked out well.

What do you think?

tommorrow's party.

B. is away on tour, he left yesterday and I already don't quite know what to do with myself! Tommorrow evening will bring a reunion with my old friend, Sarah, who is currently living in St. John's, Newfoundland, completing her Master's in Philosophy. I am most excited at the prospect of seeing her again after a long time away and also excited because I plan on making this.

delicious, no?

I'll let you know how it goes.

Sarah and I, about a million years ago. Probably at some rockabilly show, naturally.

the show!

Hey everybody! The valentine's day show went off without a hitch (yes, i realize it wasn't on valentines day, but it just has such a nice ring to it!) I felt puffy but ended up having a great time, despite doing door all night. The bump was quite a conversation starter, to be sure! B. and the boys knocked everybody out of the park and played an awesome set. i didn't do quite as much dancing as usual but still managed to make it on to the dance floor for some of my favourites. My bladder did have an effect on this, however. At one point during his set B. played a song written about me called Terrible Tara Belle. He announced the song ahead of time and dedicated it to me, telling the crown what an awesome wife and soon to be baby mama i was to him and asked me to come dance out front for my special song. Problem was, I was on the can having a little piddle! Rockabilly songs are so short that by the time I was finished up and had made it to the fron of the stage, the song was ending! Better luck next time, I guess.

My biggest regret? I lost track of time and didn't get to put on my make-up! I guess if that is my biggest regret then it must have been pretty great! Oh, and one more: We ended up having a bunch of people crash at our little apartment that night, all of them arriving pretty late and waking me up. All was well in the end, but being pregnant and exhausted doesn't seem to be a great combination for my temperament.